Can we just stop for a hot minute and discuss something that is absolute insanity? Something that is so absurd, yet people do year after year without hesitation, as if they are naïve precious little people who actually believe that mistletoe is the compass to finding true love? I'm talking about something that is as close to hades as we can get on this side of eternity....
What am I talking about?
NorthPark Santa, y'all.
Why? Why do we put ourselves through it every year? Jason got up at FIVE AM this morning (bless his kind and willing soul dear Lord) to go make the trek to the mall and stand in line FOR HOURS just to get a stupid ticket to see Santa. Not actually see Santa, a ticket to come see him later. Bless our precious hearts.
We had to wait this year until after Brady got out of school to actually go BACK to the mall for these precious memories we will hold so wonderfully close to our hearts for the rest of our lives. Yall. Have you seen a kindergartener after school? The attitude, the sass, somehow still the energy, it's like a mixture between a kitten who hates his owner and a six week old puppy. Who's idea was it to take that kid to go visit Jolly ole Saint Nick instead of locking him up in his room to catch some much needed afternoon zzz's? Oh that's right, ours.
So since Jason is working during the day, I had the pleasure of taking the kids up to the mall where he met us in the garage. Now, normally most people who have brains in their head do not touch that parking garage with a ten foot pole during this season. Everyone knows you valet or you might get murdered. But there I was, opening every door and wrestling my children out in plain sight, an easy target for anyone who wanted to take advantage of my idiocracy.
FINALLY we got inside, bless. Now, if you know nothing else about NorthPark Santa, once you have your ticket and are ready to see him, you wait for it....stand in line again. What in the actual earth? Yes, there are still fifteen thousand eighty five people there, so you still stand in line. Thankfully, the order you are placed in goes hand in hand with the order you arrived in the morning. Us? We were lucky number sixteen so of course this was going to be a breeze.
Yeah....no, it wasn't a breeze. How could we be so lucky to store up our treasures on earth instead of Heaven sweet Jesus? We got the two little monsters up to the front at approximately four o'clock. Y'all. They told us they were cutting off the line UNTIL 5:30 because Santa needed to take a break. What? An hour and a half, for the love? Ok fine, we decided to walk around the mall and make the most of it....during Christmas...with children....monster children who need naps and hugs and demand all the toys or they WILL NOT BE YOUR FRIEND for ever and ever so help them.
But we did it. We walked around. Got back in line at 5:45 (Santa got a little delayed). Somehow two or three of the precious housewives of Highland Park seemed to smuggle their way in front of us, and I can guarantee their numbers were not lower than sixteen and I can guarantee they did not arrive at four pm. I had to do what any Christian woman who had been waiting as long as I had in the current state that I was in would do....y'all I told those women off so hard....with my eyes. THEY KNEW I meant business when I looked at them. Except they didn't because they weren't even looking back.
We finally got to the front of the line at took our pictures at roughly 6:30. Madelynn cried and it was magical. Brady talked to Santa, told him he wanted a dinosaur or car or something, this frazzled mama wasn't paying attention. I was ready to print those puppies out and make a b-line for the gangster-filled parking lot, ain't nothing holding me down at this point.
So then, we get in, wait for it, another line to view the photos and make our selections and pay. We took pictures of Madi, Brady, and then them together. I noticed package C was $35 and included 3 5x7 photos, perfection. I looked for approximately 30 seconds, basically did eeny-meeny-miny-mo and prayed to the Santa gods that they were ok because I can not take one more "Mommy I need to go to the bathroom and this is boring" or I might actually lose it. "Ok, three package A's it is then, ma'am. That will be sixty eight dollars." WHAT? "But package C says $35 for three 5x7s." "Oh, ma'am, that's for one pose and three pictures of that pose." WHAT? WHAT? Someone pinch me! "Oh, ok, yeah, that's understandable. Here's $68."
LADIES. GENTLEMEN. What are we doing to ourselves??? Why do we HAVE to go to NorthPark Santa every year? For consistency, because we saw him as a little kid, because he is the actual Santa and no one can prove it otherwise....NO. NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN for the love. Promise you will tell me this next year when I'm lost in a little jingle bell bubble and all I want is a jolly old pic with Saint Nick and think it will be better this year. Please knock some sense in me and remind me that Neiman's downtown has a Santa...with a valet. And booze...
