The day started out like any of our "normal" days in NICU. Arrive, get a locker, grab a drink, grab some bottles, go to the pumping room, check in bottles, meet Jason in the lobby, go back to scrub in, put soap on my hands...and then the normal stopped. As we were scrubbing in, an alarm started sounding...loudly. I glanced over and noticed a blinking light above Pod F. Then a nurse ran by. I'm not talking a brisk walk, I'm talking Olympic sprinted to the pod. Time started moving slower. Another nurse ran by, then another. I counted at least ten nurses running and time seemed to stand still. There was another couple waiting on Jason and I to scrub in next, and I glanced at the other mom. We both had tears in our eyes as Jason said "That is scary." We knew that alarm wasn't good, and someone's life was likely about to change for the worse.
It's like that, some days in the NICU. A brutal reminder of how fragile life can be. Some days you overhear parents talking about calls they get that aren't good and how their babies aren't stable. Some days you overhear calls urging parents to get to the hospital quickly because their baby has taken a turn for the worse and the end is near. Some days you overhear parents saying their child was given their last rights. And some days, like today, you hear alarms.
We knew it was not Madi, but it still causes you to stop, gulp, and pick your stomach up off the floor. Many use the term "blessed" when they talk about Madi or other babies..."you guys are just blessed with Madi," etc. It bothers me when people say that because I don't think she's any more blessed than other babies. Fortunate, maybe, but that baby who's heart stopped today...she wasn't "not blessed." Her parents weren't "not blessed." God didn't dislike them or favor one more than the other. I struggle when people use that term. I struggle to understand why people would think that way. I struggle and wonder why some parents get the short end of the stick, why they are the ones who deal with the worst news possible. But anyway, that was the start of our day. And I still can't get that baby in Pod F off my mind. That was Madi's pod until a few days ago.
Madi did have a lot of positive things happen today. Jason and I were able to give her her first swaddle bath. I had to run to the store in between visits yesterday to get the correct type of tub because the one we had was not approved by the hospital. She loved her bath, and loved getting lotion put on afterward.
After her bath, they wanted me to bottle feed instead of nurse (read attempt still), so I did that and she completed the bottle like a champ. She actually completed all four day shift bottles, which is fantastic news and means she will likely be going home soon. I had a bit of a scare when I was kangarooing her after her bottle though. The best way I can describe it is as I was holding her she just...paused. Her alarm started going off and "Brady" was flashing across the screen. I panicked and the nurse ran in and asked "Did you move her? What happened?" All I could explain was that she paused. It's like she took a breath....and then literally just...paused. She held it, her face turned red, and the alarm went off. Her heart rate dipped below 100, and it is usually in the 150-190 range. It scared me. They keep saying how she is supposed to be ready to go home soon. A baby isn't considered stable if they have a bradycardia episode and has to be brady free for five days before going home. The nurse looked at the time, and because it didn't last long enough (it has to last more than 20 seconds), it wasn't considered a true bradycardia and would not go against her in terms of discharge. But it scared me. How am I supposed to take this baby home when there are still scary things that can happen? How will I know when she is "pausing" or when it's more serious? Will my stomach keep dropping every time something like this happens? It was just...scary.
On a positive note, she finished all four bottles during the day shift. She has to finish eight bottles per day for two days to be able to go home. They keep saying we are close. She also took and passed her hearing screen today. She was given her hepatitis B shot yesterday, and was switched to a vitamin and milk fortifier today that we will be able to take home with us once we are discharged. We were taught how to mix everything, and some tips to make sure we are doing proper techniques with everything. We brought up her bath and her car seat for the car seat test that will likely be coming in the next few days.
We are getting so close to going home...but a thousand years still feels like a day and a day feels like a thousand years in the NICU. I just want to make sure my baby stays healthy, and for now she's in the perfect place should anything crazy happen.
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